The Offical Funniest Jokes Thread

[crazygamelover]

If No one objects, to this being in the Off Topic catagory, Please post your funniest joke here.
If anyone knows some really good ones. Share it, if ya got one!

I should mention that the jokes posted here are not to be copyrighted, unless you are the orginal author. Furthermore they are not to be published without the written consent from the original author.

Please pick the funniest and please ( 1 ) post per member, as we dont want to get too out of hand here.

**Note** Definition of "really good ones", means a joke that doesnt need foul words to make it funny.

no use of volger language please, as the fileforum rules still apply.

With that in mind, please share one. Thanks, CGL

[crazygamelover]

A farmer and his wife were on their way to town (5 miles) in a wagon pulled by a mule. After about 3 miles, the mule stops to rest. The farmer calmly says "Thats One". Soon after, they are on their way again only for another 200 feet when they stop again. Calmly again he says," Thats Two". This time they traveled only 100 feet when he says,"Thats three, Calmly climbs down grabbing his shot gun and shoots the mule in the head.
All of a sudden, the Mrs. starts ranting and raving about it being a 3mile walk home and just going on and on. The farmer very calmly looks at his wife and says," Thats One".

For those of you who have ever experienced a simular situation, try telling your significant other this story. Maybe it will help.....

[AXmichigan]

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a lamp while walking in their forest. The rabbit said he'd rub the lamp first or he'll run away with it. So the bear agreed, and the rabbit rubbed the lamp. A genie then came out, he said, "I will grant you each three wishes"
The rabbit with astonishment was quick for his first one, "I wish I was the only male rabbit in the whole forest." And *poof*, it was done. The rabbit was now very excited and went on to his next wish; "I wish I was the only rabbit in the whole continent!" And once again *poof*, it was done. The rabbit then jumps immediately to his final wish, "I wish I was the ONLY RABBIT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!" And finally *poof*, it was done. The bear now had his three wishes. The genie asks, "what's your first wish?" The bear replies, "I wish the rabbit was gay"

[Luciel]

What did fileforums say to the downloaded copy?

Thread closed!

[AXmichigan]

There are two muffins in an oven
the first muffin says "man its getting hot in here"
the second muffin says "HOLY SH*T! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[TylerDurden]

Q: How do you know your at a gay barbeque?






A: The hotdogs taste like crap.





Tyler!

See no foul language or anything.

[Pop Smith]

Q: A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

A: The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

[Grand_WahZoo]

One afternoon at the local tavern a Man enters and 3 ducks waddle right behind
him, he politely asks if his feathered friends would be a problem? The Tavernkeep seeing no one else in the
pub assured the man it wasnt. The Man sat at the bar and requested a beverage.
Each of the ducks hopped up on their own stool and remained quiet After the patron finished his drink he excused himself to
the watercloset.... So as he was away the bar keep decides to ask the 1st duck
his name. To his amazement the duck replies "Huey" the bartender then responds how are you today Huey? And Huey returned Very good we went to the park and on the way I jumped in and out of puddles, then swam in the pond.
The barkeep then asked the 2nd duck his name? And was informed his name was "Duey" he then asked how Duey was today? Duey responded.... Very good we went to the park and on the way I jumped in and out of puddles, then swam in the pond.
The bartender looked to the 3rd duck and says well then would that make you Louie? The last duck replies No! Im Puddles and don't ask me how my day is goin!!!!!

[psx_paul]

Two elephants jump off a cliff














































Boom Boom

[AXmichigan]

"Wait a minute man
Hey check this out man tell it
There was this blind man right, it was this blind man right
He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick right, hey
He walked past this fish market, you know what I'm sayin'
He stopped he took a deep breath he said
Snfffffff, woooo good morning ladies, ha"
~Afroman - Colt 45
kind of a joke
funny anyway

[Grand_WahZoo]

What do all battered women do when their husbands get out of prison?





The Dishes!!!

[bnke]

an old lady goes into the pharmacy, an whispers to pharmacist" do you have anything for my husband hes not like he use to be" the pharmacist replies we have all kinds of things back here that will make a pecker bigger. the old lady smiles at the pharmacist an asks him can you get it over the counter. pharmacist smiles back at old lady an says "sure but im gonna have to take 2 of them .

[crazygamelover]

The author of this funny is unknown at this point but it was sent to me by my wife in an email and it was too good not to share!



Courtroom:

During a trial, in a small South Carolina town, the local prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if
she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the
Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper, well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type,
well spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then,
slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not
to mention the court reporter who documented every word.



Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man
can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his
chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered
throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of
you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

[SCVirus]

http://bash.org/?295093 i win.

[Grumpy]

A man who runs behind a car gets exhausted!